Deep listening is vital for performance, engagement and change
Listening has become a casualty of our distraction-rich and attention-poor society, yet it is one of the most generous and generative things we can do as a leader (and humans more generally). Devices, chat messages, email alerts, Amazon deliveries and internal chatter….to name a few have become our listening nemeses.
We think of listening as an auditory process but it is not that simple. Listening is both cognitive and emotional. On a cognitive level, listening it is about attention. Giving another person our undivided, focused attention is as respectful as it is packed full of opportunities to learn and share.
Listening is also an emotional process, when we listen properly, we can empathise and connect more with those we engage with.
For listening to deliver the immeasurable benefits it is capable of, we need to do it deeply. We need to find ourselves absorbed in what the other person is saying and be intentional about truly hearing them.
Why?
Connecting with others…
I worked for the Managing Partner of a law firm many years ago and one of his clients said to me ‘Steve has this ability to be in a room of a 100 people and make you feel like you are the only person in the room’. I remember thinking to myself, what a wonderful characteristic to be remembered for. The client was right, Steve has this brilliant ability to connect with others because yes, he is warm, humorous and has an engaging style, but he always gives you his undivided attention.
Humans have an instinctive desire to connect with others and when we feel that someone is genuinely interested in what we have to say, it takes the connection to a different level, a level where trust and respect thrive.
Collaboration
Trust, respect and openness are foundational to teams coming together and delivering more than the sum of their parts. To bring the power of the collective to a task, project or organisation, the members need to feel psychologically safe to be vulnerable, share and challenge one another.
Psychological safety and employee voice are closely related. When we use our voice, we want to know that we are heard and that what we say has made a difference. If we continually offer up our perspectives and views for them to not be listened to or acknowledged, we are more likely to choose silence. That has got to be a terrible outcome for a team that needs to deliver for its stakeholders and each other.
Coaching
Decades of research tells us that coaching has a positive influence on performance and engagement. Leaders who coach every day demonstrate curiosity. They tame what Michael Bungay-Stanier refers to as our ‘advice giving monster’. They ask good questions and then they really listen to the answer. We become much better coaches when we listen. If one of our team comes to us with a problem or worry, we are often tempted to reassure, rescue or give a solution, but if we really listen and be a bit more curious, we are much more likely to jointly come to a better solution than simply imparting what we know (or think we know).
How?
There are some simple, practical (and frankly obvious) things we can do to listen more attentively and better still, deeply.
· Don’t look at your device or notifications. I had a Zoom call with someone who I had a good relationship with shortly after I lost my beloved Labrador Woody prematurely to cancer. Knowing I was heartbroken they said they were sorry to hear about Woody and asked what had happened. I began to tell them and I stopped talking pretty quickly as I saw their eyes moving from left to right across their screen. I wasn’t going to continue baring my soul to someone who was distracted by something landing in their inbox. Funnily enough, I’ve never quite felt the same connection with that person.
· Take 5. We have all fallen foul of the tyranny of Teams. A relentless back-to-back schedule to cram as much in. Studies undertaken by the likes of Microsoft demonstrate the need for us to take breaks between meetings to make sure our brains can re-fuel. Listening, especially deep listening, uses a lot of cognitive energy, taking 5 minutes means we are ready to give the next person our attention.
· WAIT? I learned this acronym from my coaching supervisor. Why Am I Talking? If you are finding yourself on transmit rather than receive, maybe ask yourself this question. Are you adding value by talking or would you be better properly listening?
Then there’s the things we need to do to form new habits and bring our behaviour into our conscious awareness:
· Understand your default listening style. How can you better adapt your style of listening to cater to the needs of the person you’re interacting with?
· Master a listening mindset. Ultimately the quality of our listening comes from the mindset we have. If you are preoccupied or a know-it-all, chances are, at best you will pretend to listen. However, if your mindset is one of generosity and selflessness, you’ll be capable of deep listening. If you are genuinely wanting to connect, understand or learn, you will focus your attention.
Listening is Management 101 but still we do not do it well and it is increasingly hard to do because of all the stuff that is ready and willing to take up our headspace, but if we try a bit harder to listen a little bit more deeply, we can engage others better, enable performance and be a catalyst for change.